Ever feel like your clothes just don’t, you know, do enough for you? Yeah yeah, SURE. They keep you warm, they show your sexy bits, they hide your lumpy bits, they stop you from getting those pesky public nudity fines. But, like, what else you got, clothes? What have you done for me lately? You’re just along for the free ride – how you gonna earn your keep? Well, there are certain items of clothing that certain types of people just can’t seem to stand. They get people looking and, more importantly, they get people talking. And there’s no such thing as bad press, right? So, next time you’re heading out the door, leave your personality at home and let your clothes do the heavy lifting, in terms of you being a person of interest – THE MAIN is here with 5 THINGS TO WEAR TO PISS PEOPLE OFF.

(1) JEGGINGS

I would say I’m forced to debate jeggings four or five times a week. But, actually, can you call it a debate when it’s one person nattering on about the “merits” of “jeggings”, and me covering my ears and yelling “OH MY GOD ARE WE TALKING ABOUT JEGGINGS AGAIN, MOM?” To her credit, and she’ll hunt me down and kill me if I don’t make this clear, she likes the ‘good’ kind of jeggings. And I hear your collective cries of “WTF DO YOU MEAN, ‘GOOD KIND’? THERE’S NO EFFING GOOD KIND, ONLY BAD. BAD BAD BAD JEGGINGS.” Well, according to my mom and Wikipedia, those bastions of fashion, there are in fact two kinds of jeggings: the kind we’re all thinking of, and “denim jeggings”, which are a “true cross between denim and legging material”. A true cross, y’all. Slash, shut the front door, you are wearing jeggings. Either don’t wear the damn jeggings, or own that you are wearing the damn jeggings.

Pros: all the comfort of leggings, all the class of painted-on jeans.

Cons: This. Oh – and dudes. (You know I’m talking to you.) THIS.

Where 2 wear them: Plants and Animals play Théâtre Corona this weekend. The aging hipsters won’t understand the double (or triple?) dose of irony you’re serving your jeggings with, or they won’t get the sincerity of the trueness of the cross inherent to your denim jeggings. Either way you’ll clear loads room for yo’ boogie down.

(2) ONESIES

A onesie, a jumpsuit, a romper…call it whatever the eff you want, just don’t you dare call it late for dinner. Some people say this is a garment that should remain within the purview of neonates; I point those people to the romper entry on Wikipedia (which is for me what Vogue is for people with style, apparently): “A romper is a one-piece garment worn by children and sometimes women.” AND SOMETIMES WOMEN. And that’s what I am – a sometimes woman, who sometimes purchases and wears clothing solely to irritate those around her. Meanwhile, if someone could acquire this little number for me, I would be much obliged.

Pros: Finally a solution for those times when you want to only put on one item of clothing but you don’t want to be wearing a dress. And the dudes at Osheaga 2010 will be waaay into it. (Seriously that thing was like catnip to them. If dudes liked catnip? I don’t know, I don’t date much. Cats.)

Cons: Your friends will compare you to a giant baby. And they will never stop.

Where 2 wear it: As I said, Osheaga 2010, but barring access to a time machine, you’ll have to settle for PAPER DIAMOND, présenté by Osheaga and M for Montréal, playing Saturday night at the SAT. Pair with a giant hat for maximum bumptiousness.

(3) LEG WARMERS

I’m a little confused. It was warm enough for your legs to be bare or be-stockinged, but cold enough for your legs to need warming?  And so-help-me-god if you’re doing that thing where you wear them with jeans, skinny or not. WHY ARE YOUR ANKLES SO COLD. They’re called socks, or boots, or socks-in-boots. (But, then again, socks don’t cause no controversy.) So, yes, to get the tongues a-wagging and the eyes a-judging, pull on a pair of leg warmers. But be sure to follow this e-how tutorial, because wearing tubes of material can be confusing. However, if you really wanna relive the late 80s/early 90s, just get a caffeine pill addiction like the rest of us did.

Pros: warmed legs, camouflaged cankles, insta-80s party costume

Cons: restless leg syndrome, bulky leg syndrome, wannabe-dancer leg syndrome

Where 2 wear them: Pull them on – carefully, mind – and go check out Frédérick Gravel’s newest creation of unpretentious contemporary dance (it’s possible! he does it! regularly!), Usually Beauty Fails. Leave a smidge early, and hang out by the stage door, talking on your cell (to no one, natch) about how you enjoy the casual approach the choreographer takes to his pieces, and the idiosyncratic nature of his rehearsal process. WHO’S A WANNABE NOW? Well, it’s still you, but if you’ve got the ass to pull it off, maybe someone will think you’re a member of the company and ask you out. Make sure to order the gluten-free quinoa with a side of oxygen, though, or the jig is up.

(4) OVERALLS

So – what were you thinking when you put them on? I want to drape myself in denim, head-to-toe? I have the desire to look pregnant? I want to emulate the author of this piece’s style choices from 1996? These aren’t really slam dunks, sartorially speaking. And if you’re gonna drape yourself in one material, for god’s sake make it velvet.

Pros: As with the onesie, it’s one item to wear. (There may be a what’s-the-least-amount-of-effort-I-can-put-into-getting-dressed gene, and I may have inherited it from my mother.)

Cons: Someone may ask you to cultivate their land or fertilize their crops, and they will not be using that as euphemism for boinking, BECAUSE YOU ARE WEARING OVERALLS.

Where 2 wear them: Joe Rogan Live, this Friday at the Metropolis. Why? WHY THE FUCK NOT!? Plus you can stuff your ridiculous overalls with padding and tissues for when you invariably get punched in the face/gut/groin/throat/kneecap by one of the douchebags in attendance at Joe Rogan Live. Joe Rogan Live. Joe Rogan Live. Joe Rogan Live.

(5) LENSLESS GLASSES

What is this saying about you, exactly? That you wish your vision needed correcting? There are better things to wish for, friend. That you want people to think you’re clever? What happens when someone asks you for your take on Infinite Jest, hmm? HMMMM? Also, don’t discriminate, stupid people wear glasses, too. (Though now people might think you’re an Olympic swimmer, which…I’m fine with.) Maybe you are a basketball star in the NBA. But you’re not. Whatever decision-making process brought you to this point in your life, where you decided to put on lensless glasses, you look stupid. But you know that. You’re smart and stuff. ‘Cause, like, you’re wearing glasses? And people are talking about you. (But you will end up poking yourself in the eye, at which point the game will be over.)

Pros: From a distance, people will think you’re smart, interesting, bookish, or – you know – myopic.

Cons: Up close, people will know you’re an idiot.

Where 2 wear them: A book launch, naturally! Try this one on for size. It’s happening Friday night, and it involves local artists, hipsters, author readings, a sound installation – perfect for trying out your snazzy new lensless glasses! Accessorize with words like derivative, pastiche and plethora. And be careful with your fingers near your eyes!

So there you have it, you cunning little controversial clotheshorsies! Go forth and fascinate, infuriate, amuse – just go the fuck forth. And to debate jeggings, or anything else spandex-related, find me @caitlin_wm. And mega-props to Elisabeth, for being the person that she is. Fierce and love!