Decisions, decisions. It’s not always easy to rock up to a bar and order the perfect beer on your first shot. I mean, you’ve got all that pressure with the bartender who throws her fake tits in your face and stares you down with those hateful chestnut-coloured eyes because you’re… just… taking… so fucking long. So you think quick- and avoiding eye contact with 90% of her breasts- you call out for the one beer that’s been there for you through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad. We’ve all been there… don’t pretend you’re some angel.
But which one is it? I mean, which beer is it that keeps you coming back for more? The one that makes you go “aaaah!” after a long day? The one whose honour you could defend to your death if your own grandmother was trying to bash it? It may not be the two that I’m about to compare, but for a lot of you out there- especially yesterday, on St-Patrick’s Day- you love getting your filthy paws on these whenever you can. For this week’s Showdown, I present to you the Battle of the Irish Beers: GUINNESS VS. HARP
The main difference between the two is obvious: Guinness is a stout beer- it’s dark, heavy, and incredibly flavourful. Harp is a lager, the generic beer produced worldwide. What makes these two interesting is their Irish origin; and since we’ve all just finished being Irish for the day, I figured I’d remind you of all the horrible choices you made trying to be a hero yesterday. And to be perfectly honest, there’s no point in comparing them, really. They’re entirely different beers, and we’re perfectly happy that way.
I’ve often heard people describe Guinness as the same feeling as “eating a meal”, and I tend not to disagree with that too much. Fans of Guinness should be grouped together in a tribe. I’d love to see a whole bunch of Guinness drinkers shoved into a room together with the one guy who says Guinness is for pussies. No? You wouldn’t? On a lighter note, check out the video on How to Pour a Perfect Guinness Beer.
The density of Guinness is absurd for most people- but on the other hand, it makes it perfect for mixing the beers together into a cider! Observe.
Harp is a lot lighter, which makes it a better go-to beer to quench your thirst in the summer’s heat or when you need to pound a few throughout the night. Go ahead and try to slam back 3-4 Guinness in an hour… if your stomach hasn’t exploded yet, hurry. You’ve got mere minutes left to live.
All in all, it’s easy to say that Guinness is by far the superior beer in this case. I understand it’s not for everyone, but if you fit in the “I’m not everyone” category, get the fuck out. In closing, I leave you with “10 Things You Didn’t Know About Guinness”… there, go ahead and use that on the bartender next time you’re stumbling on which pick-up line will get you to Round 2.
Daniel Bromberg is the Food Editor at The Main. Do us a favour- when you see him, let him know he’s an asshole for not partying it up for Saint-Patrick’s Day this year. Hit him up on Twitter and Instagram using the links.