Halloween is at a weird time this year, and suddenly, you have 4 costume parties to go to this weekend. Here’s what to do when really you don’t want to do anything.
Disclaimer: some of these aren’t costumes, some of these aren’t last minute, and you may or may not be lazy.
(1) GUY WITH A PICKLE FOR A NOSE
You’re like what? And we’re like you heard us. Guy (or gal) with a pickle for a nose.
Ingredients: Pickle, nose.
How-to: Take pickle, leave house. When people ask you about your costume, whip out your pickle (not that pickle), hold it to your nose, and announce “I’M GUY WITH A PICKLE FOR A NOSE!” If someone’s really smitten with your pickle kitten, and you want to tap that pickle, brighten their holiday season with something from this website.
(2) RESCUED DROWNING VICTIM
Ingredients: Water, and access to water throughout the night.
How-to: Take aforementioned water and soak yourself. Reapply as needed. Extra points soaking your wallet and its contents too. (This will pay off when you take it out to pay for shit.) Walk around, slightly dazed, and if you want you can talk to people about your near-death experience. Only resort to this costume if you’re sticking to one venue that night, otherwise you become Really Cold Dude with Black and Frostbitten Ears and Nose, and no one likes that guy.
(3) CHAUVINIST PIG
Ingredients: Glass of red wine, preferrably a white shirt, and maybe some lipstick for your collar if you’re feeling really energetic.
How-to: Take one glass of red wine, and splash it violently in your own face, making sure to get some on your shirt so it still shows even after the stinging alcohol has dried to a sticky film on your skin. If you’re becoupled, your lady friend can work out her residual anger over that time you sat on her cat by throwing wine in your face and storming out of every room you two hit. If you’re single, and want to remain that way for the foreseeable future, you can make your own angry female by opening with one of these “pick up lines“, and then watch the magic and wine happen. In your face.
(4) INSERT BLANK ON STRIKE
Ingredients: Absolutely nothing.
How-to: Walk around, act totally normal. When people ask you what you are, you say, “nudist on strike”. Or “mime on strike”. Or “hipster on strike who ironically shaved his ironic facial hair and ironically got ironic fake contact lenses to replace his ironic glasses and is only wearing a tuque because it’s cold now and not at all ironically so.” I think you get it.
Alternatively, you could just be the lowzy spellar ewe r, and join this adorkable bunch. Also it’s a real thing, and has been since Benjamin Franklin, George Bernard Shaw, and Noah Webster (of Merriam-Webster fame).
(5) JENNIFER LAWRENCE AT THE OSCARS
Ingredients: Pouffy dress, winning personality.
How-to: Don dress, trip on stairs, be perfect in every way. And you know what you to do if you happen upon Jack Nicholson.
(6) MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Ingredients: No shirt, lots of white-dude Southern Swag. But absolutely NO SHIRT.
How-to: Take a few tips from Matt Damon and Channing Tatum and co. It involves saying, “Yay, baby” and also not wearing a shirt.
(7) MILEY CYRUS
DO NOT GO AS MILEY CYRUS. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. ALSO, SO IS SHE.
(8) CONFUSED SPORTS FAN/COLLEGE STUDENT/CONCERT GOER
Ingredients: A Habs jersey, a Leafs scarf, and a Canuck cap. A Concordia sweatshirt, a McGill tuque and a UQAM beer mug. A Ramones t-shirt, a Rolling stones t-shirt, a Doors t-shirt.
How-to: Wear all of the above, and say really committal stuff about sports/school/music.
Uh, yeah…The goal that was made in that last match of sport by our local and revered athletic team was quite… something.
Uh, yeah. I very much enjoy the… Modern Classicism program at our local and revered academic institution.
Uh, yeah. I’ve always been a fan of their older stuff, especially that new single. It’s both local and revered.
(9) GRUMPY CAT
Ingredients: Your (or your girlfriend’s) brown eyeshadow, and an upside down smile.
How-to: Make self look like cat. Make self sad. Make friends.
(10) GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN
Ingredients: Last year’s Abe Lincoln, Uncle Sam, Lady Liberty, etc. costume. This year’s “We’re closed” sign.
How-to: We’re confident you can work that out on your own.
(11) STEPHEN HARPER AND ROB FORD
Ingredients: A cheap suit, immovable hair, and a creepy smile. A filth-stained shirt, a pillow to stuff that shirt, and a crack pipe.
How-to: Hit up a barbecue, laugh about buses and bike lanes, and pour gas into the nearest body of water. Deny climate change. Hate science.
(12) ALEX AND PIPER
Ingredients: Orange or brown scrubs, hipster frames, maxi pad sandals, and hot lesbian lust.
How-to: Give each other the cold shoulder, rip each other’s clothes off, become a couple, go back to anger. Drink hooch out of a plastic bottle.
Ingredients: Two beige t-shirts, two bed sheets, a couple pillows/balls/balloons, a friend of a similar size.
How-to: Put on the t-shirt. Have your friend also put on a t-shirt. Stuff with pillow/ball/balloon, and wrap the bed sheet from one your left shoulder (if you’re left boob, the right one if you’re right boob), to the opposite hip, so it gently supports the stuffed tit you’ve become. Alone, you are Uni-Boob. Snuggle up to your friend, and boob’s your uncle.
Here is a gratuitous shot of Kate Upton.
(14) HERE’S JOHNNY
Ingredients: A (hopefully thin) bit of wood. Maybe an ax, but those things are sharp.
How-to: Take wood, bash hole through wood, stick head through hole.
Ingredients: A pedostache, and absolutely no children.
*Not to be worn where children are trick-or-treating, or you will scar them for life and Halloween is not about that.*
How-to: Get a head start on Movember, and start growing your lip foliage now. That way, by Halloween, you will have an undeniably present and disturbingly uneven soup strainer. Depending on how that bad boy comes in, you may end up with more of a dirt-stache. Adjust costume accordingly.
(16) LUCILLE BLUTH
Ingredients: A fierce suit, a fierce bob, and fierce tongue, and a martini.
How-to: Be drunk, be mean, stay class, love your children in your own special way, be drunk.
And if you insist on a scary Halloween costume, that’s OK too.
(17) WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY
Ingredients: A fox costume, other animal costumes, woods, lasers, Norwegian people.
How-to: OK, so this one’s not very last minute, but it will be fun and it will be a hit.
Ingredients: A group of your bestest friends who will jump into the air on command, and a smart phone.
How-to: You’ve seen the Internet.
(19) SUPERBOWL BLACKOUT
Ingredients: All black clothing.
How-to: Wear black clothing. Tell everybody Roger Goodell’s a really good guy, and would never do anything like that.
(20) MANTI TEO ON A DATE
Ingredients: Nobody and no one.
How-to: Tell everyone your girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, couldn’t make it because she is recovering from a car accident and also has leukemia and also is studying in another state.
(21) CELEBRITY MUGSHOT
Ingredients: A hangover.
How-to: Be hungover. Horribly, horribly hungover. You can take inspiration from these guys.
(22) GOOGLE GLASSHOLE
How-to: Wear glasses, be smarter than other people, correct them, look at the opposite sex and tell your glasses to take photos of their junk, cheat at trivia games. You know, be a glasshole. Mega glasshole points if you actually have Google glasses and make everyone think their fun is being uploaded on to the intertube.
Happy Halloween, assboots! Twitter-a-boo-boo.