Happy New Year, everyone!

You are currently, undoubtedly, nursing a small- to gorilla-sized New Year’s hangover. Lucky for you, we’re here to help! Here are two recipes that will nurse you back to health when you don’t even have the strength to make it to a diner/McDonald’s/drunk brunch.

Hangover Scenario A:

You’ve got a big headache, occasional nausea competing with occasional hunger, body aches, fatigue- but you’ve still got the will to live and the ability to stand up for 15 minutes to make pancakes. To you, we prescribe bacon-stuffed pancakes with maple syrup and a big glass of orange or grapefruit juice. We used Matty Matheson’s pancake recipe, which, as advertised, indeed did make the best pancakes we’d ever made- but if you’re a little extra hungover or extra lazy, there’s no shame in going the boxed pancake route.

bacon pancakes

Ingredients:

Pancake batter
½ pack bacon
Maple syrup
Pam or neutral oil

To make these glorious bacon-stuffed pancakes:

  1. Prepare pancake batter, boxed or from Matty Matheson’s recipe. Place batter in the fridge to rest for a few minutes.
  2. Cook bacon in a pan on medium heat until it’s just starting to get crispy. Discard big pieces of fat that haven’t rendered- big chunks of fat have no place in pancakes. Place bacon pieces on a sheet of paper towel to dry. Don’t worry if it’s not as crispy as you normally like it- it’ll crisp up later.
  3. Wipe down the bacony pan and spray with Pam or brush with a few drops neutral oil- butter will burn your pancakes.
  4. Set the stove to medium-low, and place a few bacon pieces on the pan, close together. Pour batter on top of the bacon pieces, about ¼ cup per pancake. They’ll be somewhat irregularly shaped, but you’re probably too hungover to care. When you start to see multiple bubbles in the pancake, flip it and cook for another minute or two.
  5. Optional: add some shredded cheddar cheese to the pancakes before you flip them for a salty-sweet extra-fatty pancake.
  6. Not optional: when plated, drizzle, or coat entirely, with good maple syrup.
  7. Eat while watching a mindless TV show and drinking lots of orange or grapefruit juice.

Hangover Scenario B:

You forget what it’s like to not flinch at light, your head feels 3 times its normal size, your stomach won’t stop making horrible noises, and the idea of food is making you want to crawl into a hole and die. However, the only way to get out of this deplorable state is to drink a Gatorade and then, when you can feel your will to stand returning, eat a homemade Egg McMuffin. You can make them out of whatever meat, cheese, egg and bread combination you have in your house, so customize away!

egg mcmuffin

Ingredients:

English muffin
A few slices of some sort of deli meat (we used spicy genoa salami that was on sale, but crispy bacon is also great here, as is any old slice of ham you can find)
Slice of cheese (we used havarti, but mozzarella or cheddar work just as nicely, as do Kraft singles)
1-2 eggs
Sriracha mayo (made by mixing some Sriracha into some mayonnaise, duh), or Dijon mustard, or whatever condiment isn’t making you nauseous right now.

crispy bacon

To assemble this life-giving sandwich:

  1. Put some butter in a pan on medium heat. Crack an egg into the pan. If you have an egg ring, place it on the pan and crack one egg into it- that’s how they do it at McD’s- but a regular fried egg is really all you need right now.
  2. As soon as the egg whites start to bubble and turn opaque, add 2 tbsp of water to the pan and cover immediately- this will steam the top of the egg, setting the whites but keeping the yolks runny.
  3. If steps 1 and 2 sound like way too much work right now, just scramble an egg or two. It’s ok, you can do this. Take a sip of Gatorade and keep going.
  4. As the egg is cooking, toast your English muffin. Butter one side and spread some Sriracha mayo (or any other condiment) onto the other.
  5. When the egg is done, put it on the condimented half of the English muffin. Place the slice of cheese on top while it’s hot, and place the salami (or otherwise) on top of the cheese. Close the sandwich with the buttered half of the English muffin. You made it.
  6. Drink some more Gatorade before eating, and then devour the sandwich, you deserve it. Go back to bed.

Happy New Year! May all of 2015 be as great as last night and never as bad as this morning.